I reflect upon my sense of belonging — where do I feel it, where have I not, and how is this feeling tied to happiness and unhappiness? Does this relate to you in any way?
Not feeling like I belong, for me, strikes deep in my core. It’s a sinking feeling in my gut that says, “maybe something’s wrong with me.” It takes me back to being a little girl, too shy to speak at my nan’s (not like the rest of my cousins, fighting for air time), or being a teenager, not really feeling confident about who I was. Being a regular truant at school didn’t help either — I began to belong, by default, to that group of school kids. I never felt like I had a place there, not academically and not in friendships. I didn’t really belong anywhere back then, or at least, that’s how it felt. I don’t suppose regularly uprooting home due to domestic issues — albeit temporarily — helped either. Like most teenagers, it was a particularly difficult period in my life. The worst, actually. So any familiar feeling associated with those years is a difficult one to ignore.
When I begin to sense that I don’t belong somewhere, it can create a fierce and uncontrollable desire to escape. This anxiety has led me to make many drastic changes in my life, time and again. But it also makes me avoid certain situations — which, for the most part, is okay. However, I haven’t seen my wider family for many years because I want to avoid those feelings of not belonging.
I know what you’re thinking — “What? She’s a counsellor. Shouldn’t she be over stuff like this?” Of course not. I’m not perfect. Even counsellors have hang-ups. I’ve at least fixed enough… for now.
As humans, we search for an understanding of ourselves — our values, our likes and dislikes — as if we’re in a clothing shop, trying on new outfits both physically and metaphorically. Some clothes we try on for a few minutes (“Maybe I’m a goth?”), some we keep for a while longer, and others we hold onto for a long time — even forever. I made my way through 30+ years trying on different hobbies, friendships, romantic relationships, jobs, careers, houses, and lifestyles. I still fantasise about being one of those people who live in a campervan. Some might say I had a problem — that I was never happy for long — and they’d be correct! But I can’t help thinking that, had I not tried on all those outfits, I wouldn’t have found the ones I wear today… which feel great!
I honestly felt completely lost in my surroundings from a young age. Something about me didn’t quite fit with any group of people — it always felt like I was renting someone else’s clothes, even as young as 12. Maybe everyone feels like this? I know my experiences of travelling and leaving behind friendships and stability didn’t help in the short term. When I returned from a long trip abroad, I suddenly felt even further away from belonging. I suppose (metaphorically), I returned wearing slightly different clothes to everyone back home. It took several years to get here — another trip across the world, several college courses, ideas, jobs, and even a degree in Conservation Ecology — before I found the right outfit. I don’t even remember why I did a degree in Conservation!
I can’t speak for others, but in my experience, feeling like I belong somewhere has brought me more long-term contentment than anything else. Don’t get me wrong — I’m still as human as they come and suffer greatly at times. But I do belong somewhere, and that gives me great comfort in dark times, because I have a place to be where I feel understood by those around me. I know why I make the choices I do and why I live the lifestyle I live — and it’s not through anything other than choice.
My choices align with my values, which have taken me a while to find. Living life congruently with those values creates lasting contentment.
But I do recognise that I was privileged in my journey. I had unconditional positive regard from my parents and even some romantic partners. I could do what I wanted, and I was still loved. As well as this, I was a force to be reckoned with — I was never going to listen to any reason, even as I tried out my fourth career and umpteen job changes, stating “this one will be for me.” Ha ha!
So, where do I belong?
I belong as a mother to my two sons — this is a place where I can truly rest, be myself, feel loved, and love unconditionally. (That is, until they’re adults and resent me for being too clingy — lol.)
I belong as a person who values deep and meaningful friendship — where I can support, be supported, and find new insights into how people behave in relationships with me and others.
I belong in my vocation as a counsellor — a place where I can fulfil my natural desire for congruence in relationships, provide safety and support, and revel in spending hours discovering who people are, how they really feel, and hopefully find insights together that are helpful.
I belong as a person who lives life in balance. I balance my stress by working hours that suit the lifestyle I want to provide for myself and my children. We don’t have much money, but I am a present, loving mother who provides home-cooked meals, routine, support, and fun. This surrounds me with people I feel I belong with — not stuck in an office somewhere chasing my next sale (which, by the way, is great if that’s what makes you tick!).
I belong in many other ways — but some are more temporary than others. After only 38 years, I now have a good enough map for the crucial roads I need to follow for long-term contentment. I believe that’s enough. Everything else that goes well is a bonus.
How do you feel about belonging?
Is it as impactful to your happiness as it is to mine?
Home 